Silver, precious silver

This afternoon I went to my parents' house (a rather annoying trip as there are no trains at the moment, they've all been replaced by buses since there's construction work going on between here and Drammen - necessary work, but annoying) for dinner and, obviously, to talk over a few things. I finally got around to telling them about my job woes, which they of course weren't happy about but don't see as a crisis either, fortunately. But naturally it's a great opportunity for them to pursue with renewed strength their traditional run of advice slash nagging about what I should do with my life - go back to school, get a new job, do something with my education, bla bla bla ... but let's not go there. My mother seems to be doing pretty well ... she told me that she's just decided to live in denial this summer, and is trying her best to not obsess about it until she knows things more certainly. So I was happy to hear that, it's what I wanted to hear. They'd had a good time at the cabin and on their trip up along the coast. She's anxious about seeing a neurologist, naturally ... she'll probably find out on Monday exactly when that will be. Fingers crossed.

She had some things for me from my grandmother's house, which was sold a couple of months ago. (It's so weird to think of her house all empty like that ... but on the other hand I am happy that a family will soon be living there, a family of four who love the house and can't wait to move in. Life goes on. :-) I didn't want to lug most of it on the bus with me, so I only took with me a few things. First and foremost my grandmother's bunad silver. So, yay. :-) Now the next time I wear my bunad I will have everything I need. :-)

Here it is:

The one to the left is really old ... I think my grandmother got it for her confirmation, which must have been in 1931. o_O I don't know whether it was bought new at that time, or whether it was something another family member had owned before ... but I'm absolutely sure that my grandmother was very happy to get this beautiful gift. :-)

I also got two other pieces of silver - from the huge collection of skiing trophies my grandfather collected over his lifetime. See the tiny dents on the little one? Those are tooth marks from when my mother was very small and her father let her play with this tiny silver trophy. I never knew that, but my mother told me about it tonight. Aww. :-)

After the funeral

Ved Rondane (1861)
Lyrics: Aasmund Olavsson Vinje
Music: Edvard Grieg

No ser eg atter slike fjell og dalar
som deim eg i min fyrste ungdom såg.
Den same vind den heite panna svalar.
Og gullet ligg på snjo som før det låg.
Det er eit barnemål som til meg talar
og gjer meg tankefull, men endå fjåg.
Med ungdomsminne er den tala blanda.
Det strøymer på meg så eg knapt kan anda.

Ja, livet strøymer på meg, som det strøymde
når under snjo eg såg det grøne strå.
Eg drøymer no, som før eg alltid drøymde
når slike fjell eg såg i lufti blå.
Eg gløymer dagsens strid, som før eg gløymde
når eg mot kveld av sol eit glimt fekk sjå.
Eg finner vel eit hus som vil meg hysa
når soli heim til natti vil meg lysa.

By Rondane
Now I see once again such mountains and valleys
as those I saw in my first youth.
The same wind cools the hot brow.
And the gold* lies on the snow as it used to lie.
It is a childhood tongue that speaks to me
And makes me thoughtful, yet glad.
With memories of youth that speech is mingled.
It rushes upon me so I can barely breathe.

Yes, life rushes upon me, as it did of old
when under snow I saw the green grass grow.
I dream now, as before I would always dream
when such mountains I would see in the blue air.
I forget the toil of the day, as before I would forget
when I towards evening would see a glimpse of sun.
I suppose I shall find some house to give me shelter
when the sun would guide me home towards night.

My translation.
* sunlight :-)

This song was performed during the funeral on Friday. (Not by the singer you can hear above, though. :-) That is Sveinung Hølmebakk.) It is a famous poem, set to music by our great composer Edvard Grieg, about the mountain region Rondane, which my grandmother loved above all other places, and where our cabin is. She wanted this song to be sung as the first part of the ceremony. I wasn't familiar with the singer, but I thought he was very good. He sang several other songs as well. I think we were all very happy with his performance. The vicar was another matter, but there you go. The ceremony as a whole was ... it wasn't perfect, but it was nice. A lot of people came. At the dinner we had afterwards there were 42 of us. It was mostly very nice and partly psycho weird. The latter I can't go into, but sheesh, families. Everyone's got something, right? One thing that was absolutely perfect were the decorations in the church. They were just right and so beautiful. My secret cousin did them, she's the best floral decorator in the northern East Valley (she'll be embarrassed when she reads this! ;-) but it's true, her main competitor said so to my mother :-o) and she did them perfectly. Our grandmother would have loved them. :-) Thank you, Mette!! :-) I hope this picture isn't too creepy ... I really want to share the beautiful flowers.

It was so nice to see so many family members, both on Friday and yesterday. And friends of my grandmother's too. Overall, although the occasion was sad, it was good. We made several visits yesterday and today - obviously, many of my grandmother's friends are old and not too healthy, so not everyone could make it to church. My mother especially was happy to be able to stop by and visit with people she has known too for many years. Even though we have hardly been struck by tragedy, it's good to see family and friends at a time like this.

My grandmother's four grandchildren. :-)

The expected update

My grandmother died at 2:05 this morning. :-(

When I woke up I had six missed calls from my mother, and also a text message where she said that she figured I was probably sleeping (correct - she knows me well ;-) and that my grandmother had passed away peacefully in the night. She never felt any pain. Which of course was exactly how we wanted it. She was always very healthy and strong and not used to being in pain or being helpless ... so it was hard to see her being dependent on care and feeling all that pain which no one was able to do much about. Now they have kept her quiet and free of pain until nature just took its course. That's how it goes. I'm glad they did what they could.

Now I feel ... sad, of course, but nowhere near as sad as I've always pictured myself being at her death. Because I really loved her so much and I know how much she always loved me. (I was her favorite grandchild. I really was. :-) But in a way she already passed away in May. Because the woman that we knew has in some ways been gone since then. So some of my grief I guess I have already dealt with. And I also feel relieved because these past few months life has not been worth living for her ... and it's also been hard for my mother, who has never felt that she has been able to do enough, even when she has done everything that she can possibly do. I'm really looking forward to seeing my mother again now. I'll call her once I'm done writing this.

Something pretty weird: yesterday and last night, the weather here was completely awful. Some rain, but mostly enormously windy ... like almost storm level winds. But it passed in the night and today the weather is perfect, brilliant ... the sun shining from an almost cloudless sky on the beautiful fall colors of the trees. Some coincidence, huh? I'm going to go out into this lovely weather now. My grandmother always loved nature and being outside. :-)

Grandma and me together:

Returning to bad news

Although not unexpected. But still. I'm sad.

I don't know how many of you reading this (who are not my RL friends from before) have bothered to read way back in the history of blog posts here, to where you may have come across posts about my grandmother. I mean, not that you should have done so :-) but then you'd know that she's had a stroke and is quite ill. Has been for months. She had one tiny stroke at home on May 15th, or was it the 16th, and was taken to hospital, where she recovered completely. But they kept her for observation, which I don't know how I feel about, whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. While she was in the hospital that weekend she had a second stroke, a much more severe one. She wouldn't have made it if she hadn't been in hospital. As it was she survived, but she was paralysed in her left side and generally quite reduced. It was touch and go for a while. But she made it, for better or worse, and after staying in the hospital till her condition was no longer critical, she was given a room at the local old folks' home. A place where she's always dreaded ending up. She's been there since what, early June. Her condition has been going up and down ... and she's been weirdly optimistic a lot of the time ... but she has been weak and helpless constantly. Exactly what she hoped would never happen to her. :-(

This past month she's been declining pretty steadily. A few days ago, while I was in Luxor, my mother texted me to say that she - my grandmother, that is - had gotten kidney failure on top of everything else. So ... only one way this was going. :-( On Friday, my parents were supposed to come pick me up at the airport. But only my father was there, because my mother had decided to go to Alvdal (her home 'town' where my grandmother still lives). It's about a 4-5 hour drive, depending on traffic. They'd called from the home to say that they didn't think it could be much longer. So she went, and my uncle, her younger brother, met her there. She's still there now. My uncle has been with her part of the time - most of the time, to be fair - and some other relatives have been there too. My second cousin, Elin, and my secret cousin, Mette, too. I talked to her this afternoon. We talked about whether I should go up there. I called my father a couple hours ago too, and talked about the same thing. I don't know what to do, I'm torn. I'll have to call my mother again tomorrow. They both said that I have to do what I feel is right. Which is soo helpful, isn't it. >:-( I'll talk to my mother about it tomorrow, and if she wants me there, I guess I'll go. If she thinks it'll mean anything to my grandmother to have me there. But she's sleeping almost constantly now, they're giving her morphine, the contact they've been making with her has been very random and extremely limited. So it doesn't sound like she'd even know I was there. And to be honest, I don't want to go. I don't want to see her like that. It's not the way I want to remember her. :-(

My grandmother's 91 years old and until this happened has lived on her own and been very active and independent. Young for her age. :-) That's always been my image of her. I don't want to see her practically comatose in bed like that. The times I've seen her in the home have been difficult enough, in a way. But those times I talked with her, she was obviously happy to see me, she was sort of herself, although she was weak. Now, if she's not even 'there', and she gets nothing out of seeing me, won't even know I'm there ... ?

The last time I saw her - so far, I guess I have to say, I haven't decided yet - was in mid-August. It was sad ... for both of us, I think. She's had this look she's given us, when we've said goodbye to her ... she sort of had it before she got sick too, for a couple of years or so, but it's become very obvious since her stroke. This very sad look in her eyes, on her face, which made it so obvious what she was thinking - that she might never see us again. She just broke my heart with that look. But it would be so much worse to see her and not even get that.

Well, I'll be thinking. I'll call my mother tomorrow morning. It's so sad. But at the same time it will be a relief too, when it does happen ... because her quality of life now is pretty much non-existent. And it has been for the past few months. There's no point to her living like that. She's just existing. And she's had quite a lot of pain, too - not anymore, but for months she had a lot of pain, a kind of phantom pain in her paralysed side. She said that whenever the nurses or whoever touched her, it hurt her so much that she just wanted to scream. But they've had to touch her, to lift her and help her with basically everything. So ... no getting around it. :-( But it's not been a good five months for her.

OK, this is starting to get confused now. I just had to vent a little. Thanks for metaphorically listening. :-) I'm sure an update will be coming very very soon ... :-(

Here she is at the cabin ... last summer, I think. This is how I want to remember her. :-)

My weekend at my grandmother's house ...

... was pretty sad. :-(

We drove up on Friday, got there at around nine. We stopped off at the old folks' home to see how my grandmother was, but only saw her briefly as she had already gone to bed and was very tired. So we just said hello and told her we'd be back the next day. She was happy to see us, although she can't really smile properly ... :-(

We stayed in her house ('we' = my mother and my father and me) - it was so weird to be there without her. It's just one of those places that are never supposed to change. A place I remember from my childhood as always the same. Whenever we went there, my grandmother would be waiting with fresh waffles when we arrived. No waffles this time. :-(

My mother wanted me to sleep in my grandmother's bed since it was already made. (She and my father slept in her old room which is normally theirs when they're there.) As if!! It may be just me being weird but that would have felt seriously disrespectful to me. I slept in my uncle's old room where I normally always sleep when I'm there. It's the guest room now ... and for my money I'm still just a guest in that house. It's still my grandmother's house, even if she can't live in it anymore.

We went to see her again on Saturday. Twice ... because she gets tired so easily, so nobody can stay with her for very long when they visit. It doesn't take long at all - say 30-40 minutes - before she's so tired from being up and being with company that she wants to lie down and rest. Inbetween visits we went to see my grandmother's sister and her husband and son on their farm ... her sister has Parkinson's, and although she was significantly better now than the last time I saw her (her meds have been altered) it still is hard to believe that she's 10 years younger than my grandmother. Looking at them you'd almost think they were the same age or pretty close. Her husband is pretty senile and needs to be looked after almost constantly ... he forgot who my mother was in the middle of the conversation, and when she reminded him that she was his niece he was like Oh, that's right, you're Agnes' daughter! ... which he'd already 'remembered' once about ten minutes earlier. But things just slip his mind. When we saw him again the next day she had to remind him again.

Anyway ... we also went for a drive around the area, to see the new football arena and a new housing development, we visited my grandfather's grave in the local churchyard, and we checked in on the Secret ... the weather was fantastic so it was nice to be there, just so sad that things had to be like that. On the Sunday we went to see my grandmother again, then went back to her house to pack and then on our way home stopped by to say goodbye to her. My mother kind of wanted to stay. She knew she couldn't, but ... she's having a really hard time with this.

It was so sad to see my grandmother like that. Partly because she's so weak, and she's always been so energetic and capable. (She gets confused now about some things - if you call on a Sunday she'll ask if you're at work, and if my mother says she's at home she (grandma) thinks she's in her house ... etc.) And partly because she needs help with pretty much everything, which is just so sad. Undignified is what it is. :-( She's optimistic in this weird way that she thinks she'll recover and be able to move back home ... but like I said before, it's good that she's able to stay positive. Just weird to hear her say it when it's so obvious to us that it's not going to happen. But faith can move mountains, I guess ...

... I hope ... or do I?

:-(

An update on my grandmother.

I'm not sure whether I have good news or bad news.

She is still with us and her condition is now completely stable. (As stable as you can get after a stroke at 91, anyway.) But she's far from healthy. And she's in an old folks' home needing help with everything - exactly what she never wanted. My mother came home on Sunday, I was there when she arrived ... she was upset, which is hardly to be wondered at. Not a quivering mess in any way, though. In a relatively good mood, all things considered, but obviously with something weighing on her. She was so happy to see me ... she cried a bit when I hugged her ... and her mood sort of went up and down through the evening. It's a difficult time for her. For all of us, but for her especially. It's her mommy. :-(

Apparently my grandmother is strangely optimistic; she seems to think that with some training and exercise she'll be pretty much back to her old self and will be able to go back home and carry on as usual. That's good IMO, that she's optimistic. But it's pretty far from reality, or so my mother says. Her eyesight has been damaged, she has trouble seeing well enough to eat, and she has trouble sitting up straight, she keeps leaning to one side ... so clearly there's been some damage done by this stroke. I feel so bad for her. She thinks she'll be able to recover pretty well. But my mother doesn't. To the point that coming back home this time she'd brought some things from my grandmother's house with her. Plants, mainly. She gave me two cacti that my grandmother's had for years. She said that there's no reason that the plants shouldn't live for a while longer. :-(

It's so sad to think that we've already started emptying out my grandmother's house. My mother is sure that she'll never live in it again. I hate that thought. But what can I do.

This coming weekend we're going up there to visit her. My parents and me. We'll be staying in the empty house :-( and visiting her in the home. I both want to go and don't want to go. I want to see her, but not like that ... :-(

And the Secret, which we'd hoped was starting to make its way out of its dark little dungeon at long last, is of course as securely under lock and key as ever. Talk about people creating problems for themselves ...

Good news, I suppose.

I talked to my mother on the phone a few hours ago. My grandmother is doing better, she is definitely stable now. My mother will be coming back home tomorrow night. She's been really torn about when to go back. But today my grandmother got a place in ... basically in an old folks' home. :-( She'll get her settled in there tomorrow and then come home. So I guess that's good, but ...

Apparently my grandmother has no problems right now with going to this place. So if she's OK with it, then I guess I have to be OK with it too. But it's so sad to think of her empty house ... :-(

But in genuinely good news: The book was still there. :-)

Good news! :-)

I got a text message from my father a couple of hours ago. My grandmother is better today. Yay!

I guess it's maybe selfish, but still.

I know she dreads the idea of becoming a patient/resident in a nursing home ... she wants to be able to live on her own and take care of herself as she always has ... and I don't want that 'dependent' situation for her either. I know it's not what she wants. So I absolutely don't want that.

But at the same time I want her to live for as long as possible. So ... conflicted, and selfish. :-(

Plus the fact that the whole situation is complicated by the fact that in my family, we have a Secret ... which must not come out, for some incomprehensible reason that I have never been able to understand, but which will come out as soon as we have an obituary to write and a funeral to plan. So when that happens and we're in that situation (I hope it never comes to that, but of course I know that it will) everything will be so much worse than it already is. Basically because of something totally stupid that should never have been a problem in the first place.

People suck sometimes.

But my grandma's doing better, so I'm happy anyway. :-)

Relatively good news, I guess ...

My mother is at the hospital with my grandmother now, she's been there most of the day, I've talked to her several times. She seems to be holding up pretty well. My grandmother's doing a little better. She's not well, but she was better today than she was yesterday. That's what I want to hear, I guess.

Well, I talked to her ...

... and she didn't sound good. The nurse I talked to at first wanted to know when I'd last talked to her and then warned me that she wasn't quite herself. And she did sound rather slow and strange. And she wasn't sure what day it was, she wanted to know if I was at work, which of course I'm not, it's a Sunday. :-(

She did know who I was immediately, though. And she told me that my cousin was there yesterday, she remembered to mention that. Apparently she forgot it when she talked to my mother before. My mother is upset, she's going to drive up there this afternoon or tomorrow. I almost wish I was going too ... although I really don't want to see my grandmother in the hospital like that, it'd be so sad. I do want to see her, but not like that. That's how I'm feeling, though I know it's pretty selfish.

I'm not at all optimistic right now. But at least I got to talk to her, and tell her I love her and that I'm thinking of her. And she was happy to hear from me. Now I'm really just hoping ... :-(

Bad news! :-(

My grandmother's gotten worse. :-( I talked to my mother just now and she says she's been getting worse over the past day and a half or so. She talked to her herself and she didn't sound good. A relative of ours who works at the hospital will check in and then let us know. I tried calling myself, but I only got a nurse - she said I should call back a little later, because 'she's just thrown up'. :-(

It's a little later now, I'm calling back ...

Good news :-)

I talked to my mother on the phone again today. She's talked to the hospital and to my grandmother. Good news. :-) The doctors are positive, apparently; she has had a tiny blood clot that just 'passed through' as they called it, but there are no aftereffects. And she feels good, she's perfectly herself again now. Yes!! :-)

Fortunately, she will be able to stay in the hospital through the weekend, till Monday. Tomorrow is our national day, Constitution Day, and my mother was worried that they would want to send as many patients as possible home. And we all want her to not have to go home and be there alone on May 17th of all days. (Her sister lives nearby but she has had some kind of episode too - the day before yesterday! So no help there, unfortunately.) But she won't have to. :-)

Good news!! :-)

Something happy, something sad

I went shopping after work today. Got some errands done and bought some cool stuff. One thing I got was the ESC CDs. International. I've been buying the CDs for ... I guess about four years now ... and they're the only CDs I'm willing to pay full price for. As in, I buy them when they're brand new, instead of waiting for them to be pushed out of the bestseller lists to where the price drops. I was really excited about getting home and listening to my new CDs.

Then when I was on the subway on the way home my mother called to tell me that my grandmother has had a fall and has been taken to hospital. :-( She is 91 years old and lives alone, in her home where she has lived since my mother and my uncle (they are born in -43 and -46) were little. She had been resting and when she got up, she fell - her left arm and leg were numb and she couldn't control them properly. Fortunately she had her personal alarm on her so she was able to call for help. Now she's in the hospital, they have taken blood which they will be running tests on tomorrow. They couldn't say what it is that's happened. But presumably she has had a tiny stroke (not her first). My uncle will be going to visit her tomorrow. I wish I could go and see her too, although it would make me very sad to see her like that. But my parents and I live too far away, it's a five hour drive from where I live, and a little longer than that from my parents' house.

I haven't listened to my new CDs yet. I am so much less excited about them now. :-(